THE HIDDEN WHOLENESS: PARADOX IN TEACHING AND LEARNING

      SUFFERING IN THE CLASSROOM

   I have experienced suffering in the classroom many times. I have had classes in which I feel the topics are boring and I am so boring as well. Obviously, during a class I try to pretend everything is OK but inside my head and my heart everything is different. Another example could be when an activity I had planned seemed to be “perfect”, but when I try to do it in class, everything goes wrong. Maybe, I don’t  give instructions correctly, my students are not in the mood for participating, the activity was not appropriate for the level of my students, or simply, that is not the correct time or place to do it. However, I strongly believe that every cloud has a silver lining. So we need to think out of the box when experimenting suffering in the classroom. In this way we can think critically and identify the things we did wrong, the things that were not good enough, and maybe external factors that affected you without realizing it on time. By identifying the possible mistakes, we can take advantage of the redemptive quality of suffering that is to learn from our bad experiences taking out the positive aspects of it in order to be better professionals.

 GIFTS AND STRUGGLES

 .      I am a teacher who likes to listen to students and provide feedback every time it is necessary, I also think I am self-confident and honest; I am sure of what I know and what I can do. But I am also aware of I don’t know and what I cannot do. So when I don’t know something I am honest and say, “I don’t know. Sorry. I will try to find it out.” However I also face struggles in teaching such as students being forced to study something they don’t like and as a result, students who think you are the responsible of their suffering. Thistranslates into students who do not participate, do not attend classes regularly, do not do homework assignment, do not pay attention, etc. This kind of attitude breaks rapport and interferes with the flow of the class. At the end, it does not matter how well you prepare your lesson, but you and your class always suck for them. That makes me feel angry, sad, and disappointed at the same time. But I have learnt that even though we sometimes failed as teachers, that is not the only reason why we get in troubles in the classroom. There are sometimes external circumstances that you cannot avoid and change. We need to be aware that we are required to look for new ways to make your classes a blockbuster, but at the same time, we must be aware of all the circumstances that are out of our reach. As Palmer says, “To become a better teacher, I must nurture a sense of self that both does and does not depend on the responses of others-- and that is a true paradox.” (Page 73).

    

GOOD MOMENTS AND BAD MOMENTS  

   Last time I was observed, I did a great job that even the coordinator congratulated me. I felt so happy and satisfied. I guess that that class was a hit because I was well-prepared, natural, friendly, and a good listener. We had a very friendly and communicative class. I had talked to my students in advance, so they knew we were going to be observed. They really chipped in in order to have a good class. I learned that communications is really important to make things work. On the other hand, once I was teaching a group of teenagers from public schools who were supposed to be the cream of the crop, but when I started teaching, I realized some of them had very poor English and did not want to participate at all. They were very shy and didn’t want to speak in English when they were asked to. I remember those classes were a pain in the neck .I tried to change their minds but I couldn’t. I felt just the worst teacher in the world. I didn’t know how to deal with this problem correctly. At the end, they were taken out of the program because they didn’t want to sweat the shirt. 

 BOUNDARIES AND FLEXIBILITY

 

      I will focus on the first paradox “The space should be bounded and open.” I always try to have my students on track. I mean, I always ask them to speak about the topic we are studying in order to reach our goal.  However, I also try to make sure they are able to speak their minds and go beyond in order to reach that goal. Palmer thinks that boundaries remind us we have a destination, but openness reminds us we have different ways to reach that destination as we travel together(P. 75). In the past, I guess only half of the paradox was honored because when we were students at school, we were taught traditionally. I mean, we were taught in a restricted environment in which we were not allowed to give opinions and think out of the box. Everything was given by the teacher, and we didn’t have the freedom to say what we thought. We were not supposed to find any other way to solve a task. Everything was already established. Most of the time, those classes were boring, predictable and meaningless. In other words, everything was carved in stone.

 QUESTIONING MYSELF                       

 

         There are a lot of questions I am living now. Some of them seem to be not that important but others seem to be really important such as should I look for a full time job and stop studying? Am I going to continue studying for three more years? Am I a really good teacher? How can I better my classes? And the like. All of them seem to be related to my professional development, but inevitably linked to other areas of my life such as family, economy, and self-esteem.  They are not exactly the questions I would like to be facing now, but I cannot avoid it because it is the reality I am living. So I need to face the music and try to find the best answers I can. I have to pay attention to them and put them in the center of my focus because they are relevant in my daily life. Somehow, they give direction to my life and influence every single step I take.